I Cannot Sleep

I cannot sleep.

Monday’s are long. Good, but long.

Our adoption Journey has shifted. We marked a pivotal point today. I mailed 16 profiles to 4 different agencies across the country. Reason #1 I cannot sleep.

This adoption became unbelievably real to us this morning. Something in our Spirit’s changed. We both felt it. An anxiousness – a good anxiousness.

Excitement.

Fear.

Anticipation.

Finances….

Wonder.

Doubt.

It is all there.

I honestly played out a scenario on my head of running back to the post office and digging through the mounds of packages to retrieve ours.  I wondered if that would be legal.

In my desire need for control I requested delivery confirmation on said packages this morning. To my disappointment only two of them “qualified” for the confirmation. Darn, it. I want to know.  I want to know when they arrive, that they arrived in good condition and what will happen to them from here out.  If it were up to me I would visit each of these places so I could visualize the ongoings of this process.

I later thought I should have thrown a nice chocolate bar into the other packages to bring them up to “deliverly confirmation” weight. But then I would have had to try to find “slave-trade-free-chocolate” which is becoming increasingly difficult (see ya later Hershey’s, M &M Mars, Godiva, Nestle, and a billion others….really?)

What, am I thinking!?! A chocolate bar in with my Adoption Application and profiles – how weird would that be?

I’ve completely lost it.

“Lord! Renew my mind.”

And He did.

I heard His still small voice.

“Let me pen this story, it’s better than…..than a chocolate bar.” (He meets us where we are at folks, chocolate or otherwise)

Then He, who holds it all together in the Palm of His hand, reminded me of who He is and What He does.  He spoke to me saying I Am:

“A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling. God sets the lonely in families…” Psalm 68:5 – 6

Why is it that I can have such faith in Him hanging the stars in the sky, forming everything from nothing, crushing sin by the death of his son, but I doubt that he will faithfully set an orphan in our family?

Lord, forgive my unbelief and increase my faith.

This time last month we were close to calling a 3 month old boy our own. We had begun to wonder what he looked like and how he was being taken care of. We imagined what it would be like to go pick him up and bring him home, to introduce him to Noah and Georgi.

Then the birth mom ran away.

The instant I heard this….my heart broke. But not for myself….and not only for this baby, but for this mom. A scared, dependant, young lady relying on the things of this world, and unknowingly searching for a love and hope that would heal all wounds.  I grieved for that mom. I worried for her. I prayed for her and begged Lord, let your Kingdom come.

The things the Lord is teaching me in this journey. I didn’t know that I didn’t know. Lord, prepare me.

When I returned from the post office today I emailed our home agency.  Checking in to make sure our home study was being sent….everywhere.

She assured me it is and let me know our profile is being shown Tuesday and Wednesday of this week….

I cannot sleep.

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One Response to I Cannot Sleep

  1. ashley says:

    beautiful. love and miss you ang.

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