Darn it. This is Hard.

Golly – I am just down right junky at updating this! But rest assured I start at least 2 new posts a week…that never go anywhere. So the chances that this one is actually posted is, well, slim to none.

I still struggle with just what to write about on here.  Do I tell the world wide web that sometimes I wonder if this adoption thing is really going to happen.  Should I tell everyone that about once a week I wake up out of a dead sleep thinking – WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE WE DOING? Do you want to know that on more than one occasion we have heard, through the grapevine, that “so and so thinks it is ridiculous that are adopting because you can have biological kids?” Should I discuss the junk and unbelief in my own life that God is revealing to me through this adoption process? Or what about the bigger picture of our adoption, that we believe know that us adopting is only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the “adoption journey” the Lord has for our lives.

Just what do I share?

Do I wonder if this is actually going to happen? Yes! Except for a call this week asking for our EMAIL address – we haven’t heard a peep from our agency since AUGUST. Nothing.  So this week, when I saw our agency’s number light up on my cell phone you can imagine my heart did a little flip flop – imagine, then, what my heart did when they asked for my email address – for their database….let’s be real here people – MY HEART GOT MAD, and it was my birthday! My Email address – are you serious? I have been emailing them for 11 months – 11 – I’m pretty certain I put my email on 70 (yes seventy) different forms in the homestudy process.  I wanted to yell – ARE YOU KIDDING ME – but I did not – I just kept saying to myself  – slow to anger, quick to love, slow to anger quick to love….Thank you Lord for holding my tongue.  BUT, let the reader know – I did calmly and kindly point out that I have been emailing them for 11 months.

WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE WE DOING? Sometimes fear grips me in the process. It’s the “what if’s” that  get me – what if we are never chosen, what if we don’t have the money for the adoption, what if this really isn’t God’s will for our family, what if this baby doesn’t “fit” into our family….what if.  If I give satan an inch on these thoughts in my head he takes them a mile – he grinds them in, and pretty soon these fears have turned to doubt and then anger and then unbelief. That is how the enemy works. He gets us at our most vulnerable place and drives full speed at it  – his goal is to to bring believers to a place of unbelief.

UNBELIEF. In October, while at “Adoption Camp” at the International House of Prayer (learning how to start an adoption agency – part of the bigger picture) the Lord gripped me, convicted me, on very real level, of my unbelief. This adoption process – it is bigger than me, than us.  We have been called by God to adopt, we said “yes” out of obedience (read: love) for the Lord.

And then, we sort of, took control of it ourselves. We have felt the Lord’s tug for us to go the consultant route with our adoption, but we have hesitated due to financial fear.  I’m not going to lie….I have told other people that God will finance THEIR adoption because it is his heart (which it is) and not believed it for myself.  My fear has come from a level of unbelief –from not believing (sin) God is who He says He is, from not believing He will provide for this adoption. (insert repentance and then forgiveness here)

Darn it.

This is hard.

Please know, I’m not saying one should go into adoption haphazardly – without a care about finances – good stewardship is a must….

I want more of Jesus. I simply want more. When we made the jump (exiting my job) this past July I thought it was the end of our adoption journey….financial fear….the Lord quickly moved in a way that we knew we were to continue in this journey.   Would you pray that we wouldn’t lose sight of that – that we wouldn’t forget this is His story, that our actions would reflect our belief and that we would not grow weary….that fear and unbelief would have no place in this journey…and that we would walk this out in obedience and love for the Lord

This would probably be a good stopping point but I have a bit more…..sometimes in all of the “whys,” the “what if’s,”  the “fear,” and the “what in the world are we doing’s,” the Lord brings peace to all of the questions in a simple moment. That happened this past week as I gazed upon this picture of Brett and Noah…..why wouldn’t we give this love, this family, this fun and laughter to a child that has not.

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5 Responses to Darn it. This is Hard.

  1. themrs says:

    amen! fighting with you dear sister 🙂

  2. Mindy says:

    We have been through all of that, the fear, emotions etc. But God is good!!! It is so hard to wait on his timing. You are doing an amazing thing!!! You will surely be blessed by it!!! Hang in there. If you ever want to chat, give me a call. 937-631-1387

  3. angela says:

    Thanks Ladies!!
    I might be calling Mindy – I so appreciate your words.

  4. LeAnne Hines says:

    Will pray….patience is hard! Love you!

  5. Chris says:

    Angela, Debbie and I are pulling for you guys! You are seeking His will for your life and I know He rejoices in that.

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